For years, I took care of a very rude child. When he was 3, I called him rambunctious ”” and I talked to his mother about “setting limits.” At 4, I called him “demanding.” At 5, he was still screaming at his mother if she didn’t do what he wanted, he still swatted me whenever I tried to examine him, and his mother asked me worriedly if I thought he was ready for kindergarten.
I could go on (he didn’t have an easy time in school), but it would sound like a Victorian tale: The Rude Boy. I never used the word “rude” or even “manners” when I spoke to his mother. I don’t describe my patients as rude or polite in the medical record. But I do pass judgment, and so does every pediatrician I know.
It’s always popular ”” and easy ”” to bewail the deterioration of manners; there is an often quoted (and often disputed) story about Socrates’ complaining that the young Athenians have “bad manners, contempt for authority.” Sure, certain social rubrics have broken down or blurred, and sure, electronic communication seems to have given adults as well as children new ways to be rude. But the age-old parental job remains.
And that job is to start with a being who has no thought for the feelings of others, no code of behavior beyond its own needs and comforts ”” and, guided by love and duty, to do your best to transform that being into what your grandmother (or Socrates) might call a mensch. To use a term that has fallen out of favor, your assignment is to “civilize” the object of your affections.
Rambunctiousness and impertinence in a child is one thing, but when it lingers into adolescence and adulthood, there is a disturbing trend taking place. We have that now, and for the past several decades in my estimation, but I’m not certain what the underlying malady is. It might be that people just haven’t learned good manners, and is therefore a matter of instructing away ignorance. More likely, I’m afraid, it’s a perpetuation of adolescence into adulthood. This would explain a lot of pernicious trends.
My belief is it is caused by 1) parents who just can’t bother or 2) parents who are more concerned with being their child’s friend rather than being a parent.
It is really interesting to read the whole article. Basically, most children pick up what is acceptable behavior without being specifically taught. Those who need extensive formal training are labeled “autistic”. But these can be very highly functioning people, not like my understanding of autism. I wonder how many of us would have been labeled “autistic” if our parents hadn’t taught manners from an early age.
The anecdote purportedly about Socrates is indeed disputed: it can be found nowhere in original sources. That does not prevent it, however, from showing up from time to time as a chestnut– inevitably employed to dismiss complaints about youth as perennial and therefore (!) illegitimate.
History, on the otherhand, shows clearly there are such things as better and worse generations. Civilizations rise and fall accordingly.
I’m not sure if I would label the current culture of rudeness on any one particular “generation.” I know some pretty rude people of all ages.
What Dr. Klass describes I see all the time in my clinic. She is right on the money here. Dr. Klass also deserves alot of credit for founding “Reach Out and Read.”
#3 comment: Autism is now classified along a scale ranging from what might be to be just social awkwardness through the much more severe symptoms which identify “classic” autism (head-banging to the point of self injury, no language skills, etc.) It is a little like the spectrum for being deaf or blind; a person who is “legally blind” may in fact see quite a bit, but their vision is impaired to the point that it dramatically affects their day-to-day life, especially without corrective lenses. The same is true of people with high-functioning autism; they are often quite intelligent and may pass as “normal” in many settings, especially when they have the benefit of various therapies. I know several families with children on many levels of the autism spectrum and it is not correct to assume that they are bad parents (though some probably are). Imagine that the sound of your car’s tires sounded like fingernails scratching on a chalkboard over and over; then imagine that you are too young and/or verbally unskilled to express this sensation to those around you. You might “act out” a little, too. This is the type of situation that even high-functioning autistic people may have to cope with. Some graduate from college and hold down responsible jobs, but their disabilities make it highly unlikely that they’ll be successful as customer service representatives or politicians; reading social cues is just something that will always be a challenge. Parents of children with autism should not assume that they have carte blanche to take their children anywhere and everywhere, heedless of other people’s expectations and sensibilities. By the same token, please be aware that comments about an unknown child’s behavior may be cruel and unkind if that child truly has a social disability. I assume that you wouldn’t make comments about how clumsy a blind child was to run into a wall, so please take into consideration that some normal-looking children may be affected in ways that you can’t see.
I keep hearing and reading in the news that bad behavior is all the fault of the parents. Perhaps some of them-maybe. My sister and I were fortunate in that we were held responsible for our actions when we were old enough to understand. This process of learning what was acceptable continued throughout my Navy tour of duty – with less and less people putting up with less and less foolishness on my part particularly when I became more and more responsible for 10’s of millions of dollars worth of electronic repair and upkeep. Putting blame on parents, for the most part, is the same as that old lying phrase (..the devil made me do it..).