During my stints in prison, I was always drawn to the chapel. I considered it a place of refuge, just as church had offered a safe haven from the tumult of my childhood. Over the years, I experimented with everything: Buddhism, Hinduism, spiritualism, counseling, course after course, medication\u2014but nothing worked. I was still a wreck. Despite my burning desire to change, I couldn\u2019t find any peace or stability.<\/p>\n
Eventually, after stabbing a number of fellow inmates, I landed in Belmarsh, a top-security prison in southeast London. I hated who I had become. With my violent outbursts and paranoid behavior, I had pushed away anyone I ever cared for\u2014and put my family through hell. I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken. Outwardly, I sought \u201crespect\u201d by lashing out against anyone or anything in my way. But on the inside, I remained a lost little boy in desperate need of love and acceptance.<\/p>\n
While awaiting trial in a kidnapping and hostage-taking case, I finally hit rock bottom and decided to commit suicide. With tears streaming down my face, I dropped to my knees and made one final plea to God: \u201cIf you\u2019re real and you hear me, put a white dove outside my prison window. Show me you are with me!\u201d At the time, I had no conception of the dove being a symbol for the Holy Spirit. I was only looking for some sign of hope and new beginnings.<\/p>\n
The next morning, when a flock of pigeons lifted off the nearby ledge, I saw the dove sitting there. Something inside me jumped, and tears of joy replaced tears of despair.<\/p>\n
After transferring to another prison in Leeds, I began praying and studying the Bible in earnest. Reading Joyce Meyer\u2019s Battlefield of the Mind, I stumbled across a chapter where Meyer describes taking the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her father, rolling it into a ball, and laying it at Jesus\u2019 feet. I decided to do the same with my rage. Before going to sleep, I closed my eyes, imagined Jesus on the cross, balled up my rage, and surrendered it to him. When I awoke, I felt peace like never before.<\/p>\n
Read it all<\/a>.<\/p>\n While awaiting trial in a kidnapping and hostage-taking case, I hit rock bottom and decided to commit suicide. With tears streaming down my face, I cried, \u201cIf you\u2019re real and you hear me, put a white dove outside my prison window. Show me you are with me!\u201d https:\/\/t.co\/BzM2BYLd7p<\/a><\/p>\n \u2014 Christianity Today (@CTmagazine) June 7, 2019<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n