How would you respond to Tyler, Amanda, and Jon? How would you counsel Tyler\u2019s parents to respond? Tyler\u2019s parents\u2019 pastor advised them to first listen to their son rather than trying to preach at him, so after Tyler came out to them, they set up a time to simply connect and listen. Though they were clear they did not affirm Tyler\u2019s choice, they did affirm their love for Tyler, Amanda, and their grandkids. They made a point to keep their weekly Thursday afternoon \u201cdates\u201d with their grandkids and stay a part of their lives. Because of this, Tyler has maintained his relationship with his parents, and though his relationship choices are unbiblical, they have been able to communicate their love and care for him and his family. Amanda\u2019s mother responded differently. Decades earlier, her relationship with Amanda\u2019s father had ended when he had proposed a polyamorous relationship and then left when she wasn\u2019t open to it. Amanda\u2019s choice reopened her mother\u2019s unhealed wounds. Feeling angry and betrayed, Amanda\u2019s mother effectively broke off the relationship with her daughter. When children choose less than God\u2019s best for their relationships, affirming both grace and truth is a difficult but necessary balance for parents to maintain.<\/p>\n
Another important pastoral step is to distinguish elements of polyamory that are in violation of God\u2019s will from elements that are simply culturally unfamiliar to us. When we want to lovingly call people to repentance, we should be precise about what needs repentance and what relationships or elements can and should be sanctified in Christ. For example, the notion of kinship in polyamory is a secular echo of the way Scripture calls the church to function as a new family. In cultures that idolize individualism (but actually isolate individuals), polyamory\u2019s focus on relationship, care, and affection can have a powerful pull. And in churches that idolize marriage and the nuclear family, polyamory\u2019s focus on hospitality and community can be an attractive alternative. We can acknowledge that many of the elements that draw people to polyamory\u2014deep relationships, care for others, hospitality, and community\u2014are good things.<\/p>\n
But Scripture does clearly connect sex, marriage, and monogamy in ways that are violated in polyamorous relationships. In the example above, Amanda and Tyler both need to be called to repentance for the way they have committed adultery. A pastoral approach would commend them for their desire to have other adults contribute to the life of their family but point them to the church\u2014not a polyamorous relationship\u2014as the place where God intends for that to happen.<\/p>\n