With nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, why do we still insist on tying the knot? As she ends her 20-year marriage, The Atlantic contributor Sandra Tsing Loh posits that the idea of lifelong wedded bliss has become obsolete….
Sandra Tsing Loh–On marriage: Let’s call the whole thing off
Posted in * Culture-Watch, Marriage & Family
Perhaps she’s knows herself one part of the reason why marriage matters so much.
When marriage is solely a legal contract and not a union of two eternal souls, not a vow between two people and their God, then she may be right.
That being said, she extrapolates from knowing that kids from families with marriages intact do better and kids in unstable homes with divorce do worse to saying kids in divorced homes with cooperative, otherwise stable relationships will do as well as those with marriages intact. I believe the studies don’t support that point.
Finally, those who divorce simply because they ‘fall out of love’ or ‘fall in love with someone else’ rarely seem happy 10 or 20 years later.
A sad, sad article.
Growing up RC as I did, I recall being taught over and over again that there were three states in life — people were called to Marriage, Singlehood, or Religious Vocation. All three are very worthy, indeed. But, as we all know, people are expected to marry and some are pushed into it. It’s quite clear that many are NOT suited for it but, at the risk of being labeled odd or feeling truly out of the mainstream, they marry anyway. Society expects it.
IMO, the state needs to get out of the marriage biz. There is really no compelling reason for the state to license and preside over the union of two people. It may have once been necessary to establish parentage, inheritance, and handle other legal issues but with the availability of DNA testing and do-it-yourself legal kits, it no longer is. Those who wish to enter into holy matrimony can do so at their house of worship and churches won’t have the state breathing down their necks as to whom they must marry and how.
[i]Given my staggering working mother’s to-do list, I cannot take on yet another arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance.[/i]
I suspect that most of us are aware that we frequently fall short in this department, but romance itself takes many forms. Just the knowledge that one has someone to whom to come home, to whom to talk without reserve, for whom to care. None of those things seem to feature in her critique. I agree with Montanan. Very sad.
Where does the lie come from to make people think marriage should be easy? There appears to be no mercy, love or forgiveness in her vocabulary and she seems uninterested in acquiring it. Not only does she want absolution for the failure of her marriage, she wants to soothe herself by saying marriage is a waste of time for everyone.
A fine example of someone who is trying to live life without God at the center. How very empty and sad. I too bewail the fate of her children.
After reading her article it struck me that she disproves many of her own points. Like the tedium of everyday tasks which she associates with her burdensome marriage but which will likely require more effort and be even more boring when she does them alone!
This article is what narcissism looks like when you get a good chance to look at its face close up. When you pair this with the standard can’t-quite-get-out-of-adolescence self-indulgence, the we have lots of good liberal Americans who are unable to understand why they can’t have what they want right now. LM
#7 Well said.
Two points,
One, she never mentions relationship with God or spiritual renewal in her myriad of “things” she is bogged down with. After 33 years of marriage and having raised 3 children, I can’t imagine having done any of it with and active relationship with God. But then again, I chose to be home with my kids. While I don’t agree with them, some would say it was easier for me. In all choices, you give and take. staying home has pros and cons, just as choosing to work has pros and con. But doing it without a meaningful relationship with God would be so difficult and worthless.
Point two, does she really think that life outside of her marriage is any better? Point is she may leave the marriage, but she does not leave herself. She brings all the “stuff” that made her life in her marriage so miserable with her. I’ve see too many marriages break-up, looking for that “romance” again. Two things could happen, one, she will be content to live a life without intimate companionship (constant short term relationships). Or, two, she will find someone who will ignite that spark of romance again, only to once again settle back into a normal relationship once the new relationship is established and life becomes routine again.
My questions is, what are we put on earth for? When we fail (or turn our noses) at the most intimate relationships, yet excel at great careers and accumulation of material benefits, what is the point. Where does love come in? Is love worth working for? I see this mindset all around me, and frankly, it frightens me.
I agree with so many of the comments above. But another thing that interested me was that she regards her therapist as shaman and priest. A telling comment on the demise of “organized” religion in Western culture.
#9 There is a third possibility, and perhaps most likely since she has already admitted going down that road. That is she will hop from bed to bed in short term relationships that lack commitment and depth.
#10 Read 2 Timothy 3:1-5, 4:3-4