From the Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously Department: God's Voicemail

Most of us have now learned to live with “voice mail” as a necessary
as part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would
be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Laments.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other
sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we
will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are
holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then
enter his or her social security number, followed by the “pound” sign.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the
numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about life on other planets, how to reconcile God’s existence with evil that occurs in history, and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up
and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious
holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling
after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local
rector.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day .