FORGET the proverbial seven-year itch.
Not to disillusion the half million or so June brides and bridegrooms who were just married, but new research suggests that the spark may fizzle within only three years.
Researchers analyzed responses from two sets of married or cohabitating couples: one group was together for one to three years, the other for four to six years.
While the researchers could not pinpoint a precise turning point ”” the seven-year itch, as popularized in the play and film about errant husbands, was largely a theory ”” they found distinct differences between the groups.
“We know the earlier ones are happier,” said Prof. Kelly Musick, a University of Southern California sociologist. “The initial boost that marriage seems to provide fades over time.”
I think this is called…kids.
It could be the realization that this “wonderful person” is not going home at the end of the evening and [s]he does many things VERY differently than you, in fact many of the things you do actually are just as annoying as what [s]he does.
From the full article:
[blockquote]Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the sex adviser, cautioned, too, that the notion of a three-year itch can become self-fulfilling. “How dangerous it is to say something like that,†she said. “From now on, everyone who’s getting married will say it will last three years and then I will have to look for someone else.â€
Or, as Paul D. Neuthaler, a divorce mediator in Westchester, said: “The fizzle tends to bubble out within a three- to five-year period when the basis for the marriage was purely physical or related to some attraction not closely associated with each partner’s essential character.â€[/blockquote]
If we redefine marriage as a relationship for the mutual erotic gratification of the partners, we should not be surprised if marraiges last about three years.
When I was still within ECUSA I remember a conversation at a clergy gathering in which one of the priests said (and I am sure this is very close to word for word as it has been etched in my memory) “If a couple comes to me for a wedding and they are not already living together, I automatically assume in our premarital counseling sessions that there must be some sexual disfunction present in their relationship.”
Marriage has, long ago, been redefined by many Deja Vu.
Not surprising since the limerance or “in love” phenomenon which people associate with finding their one and only soul mate generally lasts around three years. As long as we have our Hollywood movie-ladies romance novel-pop song ideas about sex and marriage, this is what we will have to expect.
I’d also be interested in knowing if the participants have children; I remember the first two years of my son’s life were some of the hardest for our marriage, as we both adjusted to our new roles as parents (in other words, grew up!). Fortunately, our commitment to [i]him[/i] carried us through the times when we briefly couldn’t stand one another. I see couples with young kids at church and I just want to hug the new dads and tell them that it really does get better!
AT its base, there are out there a whole bunch of Mummies and Daddies who never told their children what marriage is really about. What happened is that the kids looked at their parents and thought, “My God, I will never live my life like that. They still smoke marijuana, they play keep up with the Joneses, they fight all the time and all they think about is money.
So the kids grow up and “fall in love” so they think, live together, have a lot of sex,work and go to parties, and it never occurs to them that their relation to their spouse is one half of themselves, that they have to give their heart away and leave it in another’s keeping, in trust so to speak. Instead, they do a prenuptual agreement which declares that they will never give anything so valuable as a heart away because they could not get it back. For them, having seen their own parents, the rule is: “Risk nothing. Trust no one. No one will ever own ME.”
But those of you who are really married and have been so for a spell, know that your wife owns a big part of you, and why not, considering what she has invested. And you own a big part of your wife, for exactly the same reason. And every time a real married couple makes love, they are collecting interest on that investment……..and reinvesting.
For those of you who are happily married, did you not give your heart away, trusting that the keeper knows what is precious? But the people this blog is talking about have on idea what this means. Larry
I absolutely agree with Larry that continuing sex is very important. OK, the first hot raptures have gone but there’s nothing so warm and comforting. This was a silly and superficial piece.
The world teaches them: It’s all about Me, Me, Me. My happiness, my self-fulfillment, my never-ending romance.
The Church teaches it is about surrender and joining two lives together to form a new one. To serve God and others, with the first “other” after God being your husband/wife/child. It’s where real life happens for most of us.
My non-church attending 30-something educated daughter is regrettably of the former group, still single and not happy may I say. We pray for her.
And if your daughter did go to church, would it be better? I just read a very interesting book, Singles at the Crossroads, by Albert Hsu, which aims at Christian singles, and shows what a crumby job most churches do at ministering to these people. It is either the pious dating service approach, “separate but equal” or no attention at all (which may be preferable to the other two), often constructively or even intentionally leaving them out of family-centered activities. Whereas forming a whole single person tied to a community might lead to better marriages later, or a happier single life should that be the person’s choice or fate. Should be required reading for priests in my opinion.