Actually, that is my title, not hers. But read the article and see if you agree with me.
Corinne Colbert: A Commentary on Marriage That's Not Good Enough
Posted in * Culture-Watch, Marriage & Family
Actually, that is my title, not hers. But read the article and see if you agree with me.
I have to wholeheartedly agree with you, Kendall, and express my sorrow that she would undermine her husband in such an unfeeling way.
Just so people don’t think I am a starry-eyed optimist – I am due to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary in three months time, and we currently have three teenage and one 11 year old sons in the house. Life is good … but not necessarily smooth sailing.
Oy. Oy. Oy.
I read it wondering and hoping that she was using hyperbole to make a point. I don’t think so.
My (second and last) husband and I have been married almost 12 years. We have a 20 year old son (previous marriage) and 11 year daughter. LIfe is good, and growth is on-going (iow, not smooth sailing here either) and God is in the midst. I would name the call a lot of things, but settling??? No. No. No.
Actually — with the understanding of “settling” that she uses I don’t find this quite as disturbing as the two previous commentors. In fact, it is very realistic — and we would have a lot less divorce if more people could learn this level of contentment. Obviously she is not talking behind her husband’s back (this is a public article). They have had this conversation — and he is “settling” also. I love my husband of 34 years deeply — but I too wouldn’t mind a few more unsolicted kisses and a few more food rubs — who wouldn’t? But we are quite content with the “settling in” we have accomplished.
IMHO I think the lady is right. I have several relatives in the generation below me who have had multiple marriages/divorces because their generation was raised to believe that “if the bells don’t continue to go off” and “if the thrill is gone”, get out of it…..Have heard each of them say, as an excuse, “I do love him/her, but I’m not IN love with him/her”.
Yes, people “do stay together because of the kids” and in the later years find that they are glad they did and that they need each other……is this so very bad? I was not blessed with a good marriage (grass greener on other side not an issue), but I wish I had been blessed with a “good as it gets” partner…..
She may not have pulled it off, but she’s trying to make a valid point. Stay in your marriage. Decide and remind yourself often that the things that your spouse does or doesn’t do that bug you are not important. Rejoice in what you have. Enumerate and value the good qualities of the spouse you have. Don’t go chasing a romantic and impossible ideal. Give up on the idea of changing your spouse into your romantic fantasy of the perfect spouse. Stay in your marriage and be happy in it.
“It’s not having what you want,
It’s wanting what you’ve got.”
The great philosopher Sheryl Crow.
I think she is quite realistic and quite reasonable. Not all marriage partners will be soulmates or best friends. I’m honestly surprised by criticism of someone who is sticking with her marriage instead of moving on to look for something better.
Actually a very bracing view of marriage as a society of two for mutual support and comfort and the raising of children. Hmm, I’ve heard that somewhere or other.
My concern isn’t with the sticking to it part, with that I agree. But I do not think this is what God intends for the covenanted relationship of marriage. It is settling for too little.
I think the notion that “he doesn’t complete me” (and she is OK wirth that) runs counter to the scriptural ideal of two becoming one flesh (what Kendall calls the “covenanted relationship of marriage”).
On the other hand she makes quite a few good points, this societal obsession with “always better” is really absurd.
One way of framing the question is: In order for someone to be a good husband, MUST he succeed at being his wife’s best friend and soulmate? Another way is: Can a woman complain that her husband is failing in his husbandly duties if he does all the things that this author describes but fails to do the things that she says he doesn’t do?
I think the answers must be No. I personally enjoy a very high level of friendship and spiritual fellowship with my wife. But it would be folly to set an ideal of marriage so high (or defined so romantically) that a big chunk of the human race is incapable of meeting it, either because of the personality of one of the persons, or the nature of the relationship that actually develops.
Check out the language of those marriage vows, and (I urge) interpret it in a way that conscientious people can actually vow to keep. I can’t encourage every man to VOW to be a best friend, soulmate, and confidante of his wife; too many would fail. But I CAN encourage every man to vow to “love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her”. And if he does all that, then we have to say he has fulfilled his vow and done a good job. No?
What she has is really good, although not stunningly outstanding. She has what many married folks might wish to have, if they were realistic. Perhaps her words do not do justice to her relationship. True, her husband may not set her on fire with desire, but that is a temporary state in most relationships, if what I have read is to be believed. My wife does not set me on fire constantly, but the coals are banked, and can be set ablaze with little effort. I think most of us happily married old folks (41st anniversary this year) will admit to an occasional yen or bit of wondering “what if” but are entirely satisfied with the relationship we have, realizing that the only perfect loving relationship begins with God’s love for us. The best we can do is try to reflect that love in our marriage and other relationships. Our Lord and Savior is and always has been our partner in our marriage. Although we have from time to time forgotten or ignored this partnership, we without fail return to it. Perhaps her husband “doesn’t complete” her because that aspect of her marriage is not strong. This subject could evoke several thousand words from me, but I think this will suffice.
These were the statements that caused difficulty for me:
“On the other hand, he doesn’t beat or emotionally abuse me. He doesn’t drink or chase other women.”
“Chances are, though, you probably have what you need: a roof over your head, food on the table, a job that pays the bills, and family and friends” …
I still think that marriage can offer so much more… and I’m not talking being set on fire with desire every minute… or either partner dressing in saran wrap on a regular basis…
There is a “damning with faint praise quality” about the article.
Catharine, she clearly does get more:
“I’m happy with my husband who, despite his flaws, is a caring father, capable of acts of stunning generosity and fiercely protective of his family.”
Chris,
Point well-taken. But…
even this very positive listing commends him more as a good father to his family than as a partner.
Kendall I agree. I believe marriage is a sacred covenant, a mystery that imparts grace to husband and wife. In the 26 years of our marriage I have fallen in and out of love with my husband more than once. But I have always loved Him. That love is the grace given to both of us when we vowed before God to be faithful until death do us part. It is the grace given by never forgetting the third person in our marriage is Jesus. As long as that grace is here then love must be here also. We have laughed together, wept together. Been each others friend, confidant, lover and helper. We have also said hurtful things letting our unbridled tongues lay daggers on each other’s hearts. We have been all too human in our faults. It is only by grace that we recover and move on from these moments.
Each day of a marriage is the first day of that marriage. Only with Christ can we move on to the next day and live together in love and faith.
Here is an NPR peice that is presenting a view of marriage as a stable relationship for the procreation and nurture of children.
I think we all know that progressive mantra that marriage is now decoupled from procreation and childrearing and is instead about a partner for shared erotic gratification and shared pension and health care benefits.
So I see her work here as supporting the “right” side on the contemporary marriage debate. And hurray for NPR for airing it.
That said, Kendall Harmon obviously has a better marriage and it may be valuable to a large audience for him to devote some time and effort to writing up his insights on how he and his wife have acheived it.
a friend at work just had his wife leave last night. He is wrecked over the situation, and the excuse she gave is what I am hearing here. She “fell out of love”.
It’s too bad that we are losing as a society the notion that love is a lot of work, not always erotic, but a comitment and has many facets. Sometimes joy, sometimes aggrivation. Always commitment. Our vows are to love and cherish to death do us part. Not, “till we fall out of love” which is just a feeling anyway.
If our counselling is that we take it to a limit, then look around, the counsel we are offfering is worhtless.
Joy is possible and a relationship with Jesus becomes this Joy. Our Joy, though depends not on the spouse but on the person of Jesus.
The article commends faithfulness, that is biblical. The Joy that may be lacking can only be found in Jesus.
Well, I find it refreshing to see somebody write or speak about their marriage’s problems realistically instead of in the glowing ‘love at first sight’ baloney stories we usually hear.
I kind of laugh, though, that *now* the NRA membership turns her off. I bet that tough guy image was a *plus* in the beginning…
My recommendation to all loving husbands is to hold you wife close several times each day and tell her you love her. Let this include morning and night. This is particularly important if you know she has a life-ending disease. If you love her tell her so.