(The original article to which they are responding is here).
Here is one:
Without commenting on the separation of Al and Tipper Gore, I think there are at least four reasons to be appalled at the attitude and assumptions reflected by Deirdre Bair in her article.
First, there is no consideration of the religious or at least personal commitment undertaken by couples. The unilateral abrogation of that commitment may result in few regrets by those who do so, according to Ms. Bair, but presumably that is not the view of their abandoned partners.
Second, there is no mention of the effect on the children, albeit adult. One wonders if the children are in fact happy to see their parents pursuing their “third age.”
And oddly for a woman, Ms. Bair breezily assumes that women involved in such situations will do just fine financially. The general understanding is that women most usually suffer financially from divorce.
Finally, there is the clear implication that those who remain married for life are benighted, craven losers without the guts to pursue their zen, rather than those whose love and devotion deserve our respect.
John W. Curtis
Greenwich, Conn.
[blockquote]Second, there is no mention of the effect on the children, albeit adult. One wonders if the children are in fact happy to see their parents pursuing their “third age.â€[/blockquote]
The “effect on the (adult) children?” Really?
I’m sorry, but the operative word here is “adult.” Once the children are raised, their parents’ decisions and lifestyle are none of the “children’s” business. The adult “children” don’t want their parents butting into their personal decisions and relationships — rightly so. Conversely, they have no valid standing in their parents’ relationship, either.
IMO, this mindset is part of the reason we have a generation of spoiled and “entitled” young people. The parents’ relationship should come first. When it’s strong and its needs are met, then the family is strong. Instead, many marriages revolve primarily around the children, the children’s demands, the children’s activies, etc. The individual parents put all of their effort into catering to the children, earning money to buy the children whatever society says they must have, and working themselves silly to promote their children.
Thus, when the children are launched, the couples find they don’t have much in common. If there’s still something between them, then they may be able to regroup and settle into contentment. If they’ve become strangers, then trouble ensues and they do find that they have separate lives, expectations, and needs.
It’s simply unhealthy for couples to model wrapping a marriage around over-indulging the children. And to extend the children’s “power” over the parents late in life? No way.
Sorry, I’m probably more skeptical than most… About a month ago, there was news that Al (or perhaps Tipper) bought a new house, much larger and more opulent than the one they lived in. My first, HMMMMMMMMM?, Then, one must remember that Mr. Gore may become liable if it is finally decided that Global Warming, and the resulting carbon credit industry might indeed be not so clean?
Nothing like having a whole bunch of stuff in the “ex-wifies” name when the lawsuits start.. another hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Just a thought,
Grandmother
I was around 30 or so when my parents divorced. I was (and still am) married, a 10 year veteran in the military, and pretty well settled. My brother was also still in the military, married, and had two kids.
We were all very sad. We had grown up in a Christian family and we believed and still believe that marriage is sacred. We know from Scripture that God hates divorce. I thought that the hardest part would be that one of my parents was so hurt by it all, that they refused to have anything to do with the other. Then, one of them remarried and that was very awkward and difficult. Then, that couple also divorced about 10 years later. Finally, that parent married for the 3rd time (while the other parent remains single).
This has all been surreal and awkward and painful…but the hardest part was when my little boy asked why Granddad and Grandma don’t live together anymore. The hardest part was when one of my parents refused to come to my oldest child’s baptism because the other parent would be present. The hardest part has been splitting vacations so that each parent has some time with us and their grandchildren. The hardest part is the sadness that the long line of love in my family had to start anew with my generation. The hardest part has been watching two people that I love be in pain for so very long.
Yes, I am an adult with a family of my own, but there is still sadness and loss and pain and awkwardness enough to go around.
I remain firmly committed to be madly in love with my wife when I am in my 90s and with God’s help, I shall. I remain firmly committed to being the granite bedrock beneath my children’s feet, so that their children will know that they come from a long line of love.
Many of the Boomers still don’t seem to get it. It isn’t “all about them”. It isn’t about one generation exercising “power” over another generation. It is about loving each other and caring for each other on the little lifeboat of time that God has granted us to share.
Psychologically speaking, teatime, there does exist a category of parents who view their children’s growing up as some sort of (bizarre, I know, but people do it) betrayal. Consequently, a lot of adult children are written off in many ways. I’m one of those, and am basically a “bad person” who refuses to overindulge my narcissistic mother…if ever I take issue with how much my mother has hurt me and neglected her beautiful grandchildren, what I get is “you’re simply trying to pick a fight with me to avoid taking care of me in old age”…”self-absorption” would be an understatement.
I would mildly disagree that parents and adult children should have no say in each others’ lives–when parents make stupid decisions that might make it harder for AC to care for them when older(or otherwise), or when adult children dump all over their elderly parents, it would be good if a mature discussion re: negotiation of healthy boundaries would ensue–unfortunately, in many cases it doesn’t. I have plenty of friends who think nothing of dumping their 2-3 children and all their care on their elderly parents, while the middle generation goes to London or Hawaii for three weeks–all because the parents don’t have either the gumption or motivation to say “no”–there are AC out there who have wonderful relationships with their parents and don’t take advantage, and older parents who gladly and ably care for their grandchildren…but, I’ve seen a lot of cases of abuse and neglect on both sides.
My mother is widowed–my father, who was not perfect but a stellar person, is with his Lord and better off–if my mother wants to remarry, I fully realize I have no say; and, frankly, don’t want one–if anything I’d tell her intended to run screaming from the room, if he has any brains or eyes in his head.
All this to say that not all AC are “overindulged”, and not all parents are “overindulging”…but, the decisions of each can have profound effects on the other, and I’d disagree heartily with generalizing–I could also tell you the story of my “overindulged” 60-year-old friend who had his 85-year-old mother dump her $35,000 in unpaid VISA bills in his lap…he’s a better man than me, because I wouldn’t have given her a red cent. “It’s her life”…really? Is it?
It is very sad that people like the Gores feel the need to divorce this late in the game, but I’m sure they have their reasons, and I hope they have made the right decision for all concerned.
Teatime, my dad died six years ago. He was 84 and I was 57. Because I am an adult, does that mean I do not mourn? Hardly! The same would have been true if my parents had gotten a divorce – I might have no say in the matter, but that hardly means I wouldn’t care about what was happening. I have cousins (some removed by a generation or two) who have gotten divorced – and that brings sadness. Relationships between adults, while not at all the same as when one is an adult and one a child, do not become without feeling simply because there is no “authority” involved.
You know when I read this thread I was struck again by just how incredibly individualistic our culture is. Plenty of other folks ought to be interested in how a marriage is going – parents, children, brothers and sisters, friends, churches, etc. – indeed one might say that the current crisis is in part caused by the perception that marriage is just about individual choices. It is not.
#5 — Death is something we all face and we have no choice in anything related to it.
However, if you want to force the metaphor, then do you think you have any right to counter a dying loved one’s end-of-life decisions? My parents are both deceased but both chose no treatment when they were diagnosed with cancer. Should I have interfered and pushed them to try it anyway?
When they told me of the diagnosis and their decision, I told them that they needed to do what was best for them and I supported their decisions. Both died quite quickly and it was devastating to me. It still is. But I did NOT feel it was my place to guilt them into accepting treatment they didn’t want so I could selfishly have them for a few more months. Would I have wanted that time? A thousand times YES! But it wasn’t what they wanted.
A lack of interference is NOT selfish or “individualistic.” We don’t live in other people’s skins, nor do we live in their marriages. Oftentimes, it is MUCH more difficult not to interfere and to let people be, to love them and support them in what they decide. There are many marriages in which one or both parties are incredibly unhappy and/or dysfunctional but they remain together simply for the sake of appearances, worried about what “people will say.” Well, “people” don’t have to live with that sadness and dysfunction day in and day out, so they don’t HAVE a say.
I would never advocate for frivolous divorce (or for frivolous marriage, in the first place. How often people forget that not everyone is suited for or called to marriage but society forces unions as the “norm,” so most comply.). But I also don’t think it’s my place or right to get involved in other people’s very personal decisions just so I could tell everyone that marriages in my family don’t end and so we could have “picture perfect” family gatherings. We’re all sinners and we don’t live in a picture perfect world.
I get teatime’s point, and I wouldn’t look to “interfere” in the adult decisions of any of my relatives–but, were my opinion asked for, I would offer it–sometimes a lack of “interference” can also look like people don’t care; not a phenomenon I want to demonstrate, either.
My husband, a strongly Type A guy who has traveled extensively on business for many years, had a first reaction to the Gore divorce: Al couldn’t stop the world traveling to make time for his marriage. In our case, my husband did modify his life and make career sacrifices in order to maintain our marriage and his commitment to being a father to our daughters. Of course I know nothing about the Gore divorce, but my impression is that Tipper went home emotionally and Al never did nor wanted to.
Sick & Tired, well said, and may God bless you.
Thanks to Sick & Tired of Nuance for his moving testimony in #3. Like many other Boomers, I grew up in a broken home, except that my parents separated when I was only four years old, and divorced when I was 5. It was devastating for me as a young boy, who couldn’t understand why daddy never came back and totally disappeared from my life…
If it was up to the children in almost every family, the parents would never divorce—at any age.
David Handy+