Their years together were forever changing, but their dream never changed.
For 12 years, it was constant, rooted, like many of the couple’s aspirations, in Scripture
with James 1:27: “Pure and undefiled religion before God is this: to care for orphans.”
At Cornerstone Church of Christ, where the Lawrenceville couple are members, it has become part of the mission.
In all, 21 couples at Cornerstone, a small congregation of 270 adults, have adopted 25 children. Some, like the Burkes, already had children of their own. That didn’t matter. Many of them adopted from China, the No. 1 source of foreign-born children adopted by Americans.
We were blessed just last week to be approved for the adoption of our second child from China! I am still in a state of shock.
The agency we are using for this adoption is [url=http://www.worldadoptions.org/]A Helping Hand Adoption Agency[/url], a Christian Adoption agency.
Our first child was adopted through [url=http://www.chinesechildren.org/ ]Chinese Children’s Charities[/url], which is a wonderful organization, as well. It is based in Denver and does much service in addition to assisting adopting. In particular, I went with them to western China on a cleft lip and palate trip two years ago.
Another organization which many adoptive parents have expressed their great satisfaction is [url=http://www.holtinternational.org ]Holt International[/url].
One of my wife’s ministries is to answer questions and offer prayers for adoptive parents. She is very knowledgeable! I can relay questions to her for any readers. (She forwards medical questions to me which is one of [i]my[/i] ministries.)
Both our kids (our rather our one child and child to be since there is a pile of paperwork that needs to be filled out before it is official) have been medical needs or “Waiting child” program. The waiting time is shorter.
Also, note that China has changed the rules for potential adoptive parents. In particular, parents must be married, have a specific income, not be morbidly obese, etc. These are listed, in more detail, [url=http://www.chinesechildren.org/Adoption/Qualifications.aspx]here[/url].
I thought it was good to see that the couple kept at least part of the child’s original name so that he will have an intimate connection with that part of his identity. It was also interesting that they called themselves “chosen” instead of identifying the child as “chosen.” This, I think, is to be preferred.
A word to everyone who is thinking about adopting a child… from an adoptee… and one who has been in communication with a variety of adoptees… adoption also takes some special knowledge. You should know what adoptees say about their own experience.
Sherrie Eldridge has a pretty good little book. Betty Jean Lifton wrote one of the first accounts of an adoptee. For transracial and transnational adoptees there is an anthology called, Outsiders Within. Nancy Verrier wrote the must read, Primal Wound. There are also many online forums, Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change is one.
I found this random posting at mdiebel’s recommended Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change:
[blockquote]I don’t understand this. Why is this child being brought over here? Doesn’t she have any aunts or uncle or grandparents that could care for her? It absolutly kills me, the arrogance of America. What do these people think, she she has won the grand prize, coming to this country-a country that tells everyone they are created equal, but denys us our BASIC rights, a country that boasts freedom for all but treats US like slaves, a country that worships money so much that one is allowed to buy another human being. I think it is sad the people in this country have never seen that some things are too sacred to ever be equated with money, one’s culture, one’s heritage, one’s pride of one’s ethincy which among other things these people are stripping from this poor little girl. I wil tell you, if I have learned anything in 47 years, it is that money is too evil of a toy for the human race to EVER of played with. To be quite blunt, people do not deserve money. Period.[/blockquote]
Sad that people are filled with vitriol, resentment and despair. I would probably avoid all the references cited by mdiebel.
For a better representation of the adoption experience of many of the people that I know, see some of the essays at Holt International. In particular, see
http://www.holtintl.org/adoptees/steiner.shtml
http://www.holtintl.org/adoptees/cox.shtml
http://www.holtintl.org/adoptees/warch.shtml (especially note the last paragraph)
Dear Robroy,
I am interested in adoption and would love to speak to your wife or you–how may I contact you? Congratulations on your new referral!!
Thanks for posting this story. I loved hearing how many of their congregation have been inspired to adopt. When it comes to adoption – open vs closed, domestic vs international, older vs AYAP (as young as possible), one quickly discovers an enormous amount of strong opinion and feeling. Some of the heated arguments I’ve encountered on internet adoption discussion groups can rival or even surpass anything I’ve read on this blog. I do believe it is because we are talking about building a family and the feelings/convictions run very deep. I also agree with poster #2 that it is helpful to have a sense of the experience of adoptees. For instance, to write “unknown” on a health background form can be difficult for an adoptive parent. When the child who was adopted becomes a teen or an adult and has to write “unknown”, it can be traumatic. And, many families really do treat adoptive family members as if they are second best and that’s painful. One of the good things about having a church family where adoption is considered normative, is that some of this kind of stuff can be avoided or at least mitigated.
RobRoy, as an adoptive mom of five fabulous kiddos, warmest congrats in advance to you and your family. Are you blogging about your experience?
Dear Sharethefaith, the site has a “mail system” which you can send me a message. Click on the “Your Account” link. Click on the “Member list” link. At the bottom of this page there is a member search function. I am listed as robroy and rob-roy. (Not sure why.) Then fire me an email and I will forward it to my wife. My wife says that Jennie TCO might be more knowledgeable still. Wow, five kids!
One more important very important link about the amazing story of a man who was adopted through Holt international from Korea. [blockquote]In January of 1964 I was found barely alive in a garbage can in Seoul Korea. It’s been 42 years since then and in my life I’ve had many more miracles to celebrate…Never does a day go by that I don’t stop to think about my purpose in life and why I was so miraculously saved by complete strangers. I want to share my story and how God has given my life meaning and vision.[/blockquote]
Please go [url=http://web.mac.com/wellrockstudios/Site/Movie.html ]here[/url] and watch the movie.
Robroy… I’m sorry that you are branding everything I suggest with one example. I offer the site for those who might really want to know more about what SOME adoptees feel and think. SOME are pretty upset about International Adoptions.
Adoption is not a happy happy thing. There are many factors which those interested in adoption should know about. Concerning international adoptions, child trafficking is a concern. Coercion of mothers does happen.
I am advocating a considered and informed approach to adoption. There will always be children for whom adoption is the best thing. Transracial Adoptees do certainly grow up well adjusted and affectionate towards their parents. I did. They should, however, be regarded, along with most adoptees, as having to grieve the loss of their original family, history and place.
I hope that anyone reading Robroy’s comment will think twice. Betty Jean Lifton, Sherrie Eldridge, Nancy Verrier, E.Wayne Carp, Ann Fessler, Jane Jeong Trenka, Tobias Hubinette, Sun Yung Shin, Julia Chinyere Oparah all have something to say to anyone who seriously claims to care about adoption. Ann Fessler too.
Shameful blanket criticism.
I wonder, Robroy, how long you spent at MY forum, a place for adult adoptees to talk about our very personal feelings, until you could find just the “right” post to bring here and paste as an “example”? Because I find it interesting that you would choose the words of who is probably one of the most hurt and abused adoptee on our support forum and use her words as a “random” sample in order to dismiss mdiebel.
No, I think you purposefully chose the most “offensive” post you could find so that you could try to discredit mdiebel and in the process you have used a person who is quite broken and shattered by this thing called adoption which you all praise so much.
Shame on you.
In the future, please don’t use and abuse the members of my forum in this manner. Some of us have suffered greatly by the hands of those who should have protected and sheltered us. We don’t need further abuse by people like you who would seek to use our words as a means to further your own personal agenda.
If you and your readers wish to look in on our forum and read our words, please do so with an open mind and realize that adoption has NOT always been a good thing, for some of us it has been a very painful and sometimes abusive situation. And please, in the future, refrain from posting our words elsewhere. We are not here to serve as ammunition for your holy war.
[i] Comment edited by elf. [/i]
I do apologize to this site for the language in the posts I have posted in here from the AA forum. But when you treat someone like trash, they begin to act like it…
[i] Comment edited by elf as overly personal. [/i]
Wow, there’s a serious problem here with a couple of posters. This is all about an AJC article about Christians adopting children. The vast, vast majority of children adopted in foreign countries are rescued from a life of poverty and loneliness. Please! Let’s not lose our focus here, folks. We’re talking about Christian love, not America bashing!
[i] Comment deleted by elf. [/i]
[i] Comment deleted. Commenter banned.[/i]
Alli B writes: The vast, vast majority of children adopted in foreign countries are rescued from a life of poverty and loneliness.
It’s a shame more people aren’t concerned with improving the overall conditions in these countries, so that the entire people of the nation can live better lives…including the children.
The bible teaches us to HELP the widows and the orphans, not to marry them off and take their children. Big difference. HUGE.
Lillie, we do what we can to help, sometimes one little life at a time. Let’s leave your anti-US politics out of it.
My anti-US politics? LOL that’s rich. Please point out where I have ever been anti-US?
My interests lie with my fellow adoptees and the lives of the adoptees-to-be…the “little lives” as you call them, that you are trying to acquire. I just hope that you realize, in your hoping and dreaming to build a family, that these children are suffering a tremendous loss in order to fulfill your dreams.
This is something that is so often overlooked by adoptive parents. They don’t want to admit that there is underlying pain for an adoptee, pain caused by separation from the first family, from the culture, the homeland, the heritage. It is huge and it shouldn’t be ignored.
How this is “anti-US politics” is beyond me.
Speaking from the experience from being an adoptee, I would think that no one should understand more than one who has lived it. I would just hope that for the sake of the “little lives” you hope to acquire, that you’ll think about this, really, honestly look into your heart and think about this, and not be fooled into believing that adoption is 100% wonderful and without flaw.
[i] Please, everyone, let’s comment about Kendall’s post and not to individual commenters. [/i]
[blockquote]I just hope that you realize, in your hoping and dreaming to build a family, that these children are suffering a tremendous loss in order to fulfill your dreams.
This is something that is so often overlooked by adoptive parents. They don’t want to admit that there is underlying pain for an adoptee, pain caused by separation from the first family, from the culture, the homeland, the heritage. It is huge and it shouldn’t be ignored.[/blockquote]
Lillie, to do that would be to require Americans to disabuse themselves of the following notions: (1) American culture is nothing short of superior to all other cultures in the world; (2) the idea of interfamilial, intergenerational ties to land, i.e., the classic nation-state, is a quaint, old-fashioned notion with no place in the modern global economy; and (3) race and ethnicity are mere social constructs, and as such any expression of racial or ethnic pride is to be discouraged if not criminalized.
[i] The elf asks that you not turn this into an anti-American thread. It’s about the positive points of adoption. [/i]
Lille made the accusation that I searched for a particularly indecorous quote in #3. I did not. It was the first posting listed in the recent posts collection. Last night I did look at the site further and found many others expressing the same bitterness, so it seems that it was not a fluke. Sad.
mdiebel makes the statement that adoption is not a happy event. I disagree. Abandonment is not a happy event. Adoption, especially in a Christian setting, begins a call for the child to a relationship with a loving God who treats us all not like orphans but in brotherhood with the Great Physician who heals all wounds. In every adoption that I have experienced vicariously through other parents and in our single personal experience, adoption has been a joyous experience. This is not to belittle or dismiss any experience of yours.
I am sure that I don’t need to say it, but language of “taking” or “acquiring” children is highly offensive. Also, offensive is the comment
[blockquote]They don’t want to admit that there is underlying pain for an adoptee, pain caused by separation from the first family, from the culture, the homeland, the heritage. It is huge and it shouldn’t be ignored.[/blockquote]
I love my son, and I love my daughter to be. I am a physician. I understand trauma, both physical and mental. I want my children to be healed of any wounds inflicted. But I also know that the Good Lord has given to us, the parents, as well as to our children the opportunity to turn a bad situation into something good. This is the story of Christianity throughout the ages with its most important example being the crucifixion of our Savior.
Finally, Lille states, “It’s a shame more people aren’t concerned with improving the overall conditions in these countries.” One of the amazing things about international adoption is that not only is the adopted child but the entire family is then tied inextricably to the birth country of the child. We celebrate the autumn moon festival and Chinese New Year’s. My Mandarin continues to improve. I have been on one medical mission to Western China and hope to take many more. We give routinely to Love Without Boundaries (a fantastic organization, see [url=http://www.lovewithoutboundaries.com ]here[/url]) and other charities that work in China. I am working on developing a exchange program between a family practice residency in northern China and a local community based one here.
I would close with the request that all see the video that is linked to in comment #6. (You probably will need a box of tissues.)
This is a good thread. If anyone not involved with adoption has been reading, I suspect they may be a bit surprised at the depth of feeling.
RobRoy used the word redemption. This is apt, I think. Yes, there is huge loss all through the adoptive triad (birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents) and it is a mistake to ignore it.
To not be able to have biological children was a profound loss for us. We had to grieve and relinquish multiple hopes and dreams. For birthparents, to reliquish a child is a form of death. Even if a parent has their children removed because of abuse or neglect, it is still loss. For the infant or child, the loss is everything familar – smells, foods, people – to say nothing of language, culture and identity. It is a tragedy when a first family doesn’t work out. But, this is a fallen world and some families become lethal. Several of my children would have died had they remained with their birth family, and, no, no one in the extended family came forward for them and they knew where the children were. Some of my kids were beaten, burned with cigarettes, witnessed horrific violence, and finally were abandoned with no food or source of warmth in their home. Even given all of this, they grieve the loss of their birth family and always will. Do we feel extra holy – as if we have earned extra points by adopting these wounded children? No way. On the contrary, we are honored to be their parents and have a profound respect for their willingness to risk loving us and embracing life. I also believe that God led us to each other – called us to each other as an answer to our mutual need – ours, to parent and theirs, to be parented.
Two of our other children were adopted as infants – one of them in a closed adoption and the other, open. At each and every developmental stage and milestone, they grieve their losses in a whole new way and at a new depth. By far, the child who has fared the best is the one whose adoption was open.
So, truly there is loss all around when it comes to adoption and it’s got to be acknowledged. But, back to redemption, for us, God has taken our loss and blessed it. My fervent prayer is that our children will be able to heal, make peace with their losses, and go on to live fully. What I do know is that however it turns out, my husband and I have been given an enormous gift for which we will always be thankful. And, no, they don’t owe us anything- it’s pure and simple grace.
VTS, both you and your children have been blessed by finding one another. That is the beauty of so many adoptions. My adopted son is the light of my and my husband’s life. He also has special emotional needs that, if we hadn’t adopted him, would have gone untreated. It breaks my heart to think about what would have happened to him. God surely put us together for a purpose. We have not forgotten his birth mother either, and for ten years we have been sending letters and pictures twice a year. I would be happy for them to meet when he’s of college age, if that is what they both want. It grieves me to see some on this blog who have had a bad adoption experience, but it puzzles me that they don’t realize that the vast majority of adoptions turns out well for everyone and that it is such a wonderful thing for so many. It’s as if they would deny this opportunity to others.