Here’s my observation: One doesn’t have to suspend his good judgment to have a close relationship with a child. My own dad was fiercely devoted to us kids, but that never caused him to side with us against our teachers at school or do anything else to “win” our affection. He was quite content to earn it. Your children have plenty of pals. You be the dad.
The best dads discipline themselves first, their children second. Most dads understand the importance of disciplining their children, but disciplining themselves can be a different matter. Some dads are notorious for their unpredictability. They laugh at a child’s antics one day and punish the same behavior the next. This sort of emotional roller coaster can be maddening for a child who needs adults to be steady and consistent. As the Book of Proverbs puts it: “A man of understanding walks straight.”
One of the great saboteurs of parental consistency is alcohol. As a family law attorney, I once ran a domestic violence clinic in which we represented abused women and their children. I was surprised to learn that in many cases, the defendant father was a nice guy ”” when he was sober. Most abusive behavior seemed to occur when the defendant was under the influence. Again, as Proverbs puts it: “Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler.” My own father was the son of an abusive, alcoholic father. As a result, Dad became a teetotaler. Other responsible fathers choose to drink alcohol in moderation. Either option is acceptable. What isn’t acceptable is chaos and unpredictability. Children need structure and stability. Dads require self-discipline in order to provide it.
Such articles always hit home with me. I was raised in such an environment-plenty of alchohol, along with the attendant chaos. Unfotunately, this happened during a time when “you didnt talk about it”.
As I got older, it was enormously frustrating, as I would complain about my home life, and in return, got a lot of “You’re dad is such a great guy-what wrong with YOU?”. In public, he WAS a great guy-practically the toast of the town. When the doors closed, leaving the world outside-lets just say it was quite a different story.
Dad never was able to conquor his demons. It wasnt until late in life, that we all went to a counsellor, and the shrink said something to the effect that with a personality disorder such as he had, he should lay off alchohol. Far too little, much too late. I suppose I’m sharing this here for its cathartic value, but also to warn anyone who may read this who has a drinking problem thats effecting his/her family life: Dont deny it, blow it off, or hope that “things will be better tomorrow”. Get help TODAY.
Thanks for letting me share this.
Here is the central tenet of all enduring societies: “The best Dads discipline themselves first.” How can we make this clear and demanding rule spread across a society that does not grasp the simplest principle of of self-discipline? This rule is inherent in all Christianity, it is central and irrevocable. How can we restore this principle in a narcissistic culture? Larry