When Marisa Miller married David Wolfson last year, the couple added a statement to their vows that they both passionately believe in the right of all people to marry regardless of sexual orientation.
With gay friends making up about 20 percent of guests and two openly gay religious clergymen officiating, it seemed appropriate to note they felt “somewhat out of step with society’s views on marriage.”
“I thought it was really, really beautiful and very healing,” said the Rev. Nate Walker, who presided with Rabbi Frank Tamburello. “It brought tears to my eyes, thinking that I am legally entitled to marry this wonderful couple but I am not entitled to have the same joy in my own life.”
Such statements have become more common at heterosexual weddings. But not all gay guests appreciate the gesture. Pattrice Jones, a lesbian author, compares straight couples’ efforts at solidarity to a white person joining a whites-only country club and making a quick statement of support for blacks who are excluded.
“Just don’t join the club, it’s that simple,” Jones said.
After a wedding last year in which a straight couple read a statement of solidarity with gay couples, Jones said her “gay friends rang to tell me about it. They were horrified and really annoyed.” Jones did not attend the wedding, but “we all felt it was so wrong to grab all the benefits that marriage gives you and just make a little statement to calm your guilt.”
I will take comments on this submitted by email only to at KSHarmon[at]mindspring[dot]com.
From JG:
It is easy, and maybe necessary, to think this a bit much, over the edge into unironic self-parody — “the couple used their ceremony to reflect their wider social beliefs: The catering was vegan, the dress came straight from the designer instead of a department store that sold fur, and the wedding chocolates were purchased through a fair trade cooperative to help farmers in developing countries.”
What i keep feeling confronted with, through this whole ongoing struggle with the definition of marriage and the place it should hold in the proclamation of the faith, is how good, solid, orthodox Christians have let weddings and our respect for marriage turn into a free-wheeling carnival of excess and personal choice. When a flock of doves and a twenty foot train and a ten thousand dollar cake join a man and a woman together for six months, who then get a dissolution to which everyone says “poor dears, i guess they weren’t meant for each other” . . . and this all happens well within the embrace of evangelical congregations . . . then the door is opened to the folks who say “this just looks like a big party that you shouldn’t be able to exclude me from.” Hmmm.
So i find myself ruefully acknowledging that this couple, who may well be quite silly, is taking their firmly held beliefs and wider commitments into wedding practices as a public statement, fair trade chocolate and all. Meanwhile, evangelical Christians casually sign off on $56,000, second-mortgage financed, magazine-ad driven, 1 Cor. 13 head-fake wedding practices, and accept easy divorce as an unquestioned reality among our leadership.
In truth, a thrice-married bishop bothers me as much as one in a noncelibate same sex union does.
From NS:
I was married 16 years ago in a Baptist church. (Through this marriage, I became an Episcopalian. Through the guidance and grace of God, I’m now an Anglican.) My maid of honor was my lesbian college roommate and friend since 3rd grade. One of our groomsmen was a gay friend of mine from college. I love them both dearly, and I think they should have every civil right that I do, which includes recognition of their long-term partnerships, whether they call it a civil partnership or a marriage, and all the legal and tax implications that go along with it.
But the key word here is “civil right.” I love my friends, but I don’t believe their lifestyle is scripturally blessed nor should be highlighted and condoned by the church. I am no theologian, just a regular person, but I stand on the side that God has shown us.
I have always told my husband that when I am standing before God, I would much rather Him tell me “I wish you had been more open and accepting, but I understand that you were following my Word.” instead of “I wrote it down in plain language. How could you possible think that you know better?”