What punctured this rose-tinted illusion of mine was the knowledge that these diminutive figures giggling and sitting Indian-style on the carpet before me might also be viewed as incubating adolescents. Perhaps it’s just me, but I’d swear the world knows not an eviler soul than an angry, angst-ridden, hormonally intoxicated teen. And if this little pigtailed girl is anything like the rest of her gender, in just a few years’ time she will unfortunately morph into an eye-rolling, gossiping, ostracizing, sarcastic, dismissive, cliquish ninth-grader, embroiled in the classic cafeteria style…[verbal aggression] of adolescent female social politics.
If that strikes you as misogynistic, rest assured it’s merely an empirical statement. (Rest assured, also, that I’m afraid I have much in common with this tactical style, and I have great respect for more refined Machiavellians, so I’m not casting stones here.) In fact, over the past few decades, scholars from a variety of disciplines””including developmental psychology, evolutionary biology and cultural anthropology””have noted a striking difference in the standard patterns of aggression between reproductive-aged males and females. While teenage boys and young male adults are more prone to engage in direct aggression, which includes physical acts of violence such as hitting, punching and kicking, females, in comparison, exhibit pronounced social aggression, which includes such obnoxious things as mentioned in the various acts of…[verbal aggression] listed above.
While I agree (my own and my daughters’ experiences in school and life) that girls and women can be and often are cruel, competitive, dishonest and betray each other, I didn’t think much of the ‘anthropological study’ because I think responses to the questions would be predicated more upon a person’s own experiences, the modeling and teaching, they have received from even before birth, than whether a person is male or female. A sense of fairness and empathy is a conditioned learned behavior as are competitiveness, manipulation, rejection, back-biting, envy, humiliating, aggression and making other people objects of scorn to build up one’s own fragile sense of self.
Anyone who has read “Pride and Prejudice” knows that this is no new phenomenon – they would also know that a girl’s spiritual and character development is key towards the solution.
Don
GA/FL, I think of “competitiveness, manipulation, rejection, back-biting, envy, humiliating, aggression and making other people objects of scorn to build up one’s own fragile sense of self” as evidence of fallen human nature. Without proper training, and without God’s grace, a sense of fairness and empathy will seldom develop.
What I saw, when my daughters were adolescents, was that there are not nearly enough parents willing to be aware of what their daughters are up to and to correct them and require decent behavior. I’ve seen cases of mothers actually abetting their daughters’ bitchy behavior because they want them to be accepted by the “cool” crowd. They were more likely to listen to and agree with their daughters’ ugly talk about other girls rather than to point out to them that the other girls are people with feelings, too. These girls often grow up still selfish.
I agree with the author. My daughter is in a sorority and rarely have I seen such meanness, back-stabbing, manipulation and general hatefulness in my life…and this is amongst women who call each other “sister.”
Does anyone think that girls (boys, too) raised in a real Christian home are any less likely to act this way? Just wonderin’.
This behavior doesn’t start with adolescence. I remember well what sixth grade was like, both for me and for my daughter.
when i was in primary school, i was picked on and i also (ashamedly) did my share of picking on others. part of it was because i hadn’t been exposed to various traits, i.e. accents and outsiders; but also part of it was relief that i was no longer the target.
that changed as i got older of course and realised there was a whole wide world outside of my school culture. i think developing empathy and exposure to various people and cultures and showing them a world outside themselves is key to curbing this behaviour.
RE: “Does anyone think that girls (boys, too) raised in a real Christian home are any less likely to act this way?”
That’s a hard question to answer. I know that in my own [imperfect] home, we were called down if we *ever* made fun of anyone or called anyone names. And we were punished. And we were carefully instructed about how these things made other people feel. This was, I should add, in the Deep South, too, with all of its accompanying tensions.
There are some things that my parents screwed up in. But I have always respected them for not allowing us to bully or say cruel things.
On the other hand, we were taught to be independent and to shrug our shoulders if others made fun of us. It wasn’t easy, but we learned to say “next!” and “she wasn’t worthy of you, daughter!”
; > )
If I cut/paste Jeffersonian and Katherine together, I completely agree.
My father was a profoundly loving, strong influence in my life and did not allow this sort of behavior. And now, when I see women do this to other women or other men, I am repulsed.
Which is why my best friends are my spouse(male) and my books, who do not hate, gossip, backstab, backbite, or manipulate.
And I will make damn sure that this sort of behavior from my daughters, in my house or otherwise, will not be tolerated.
As the author says, more empirical studies are needed, but I’ve easily seen this be a phenomenon across the female life span–it seems to have nothing to do with whether or not there is estrogen in the picture at the time(i.e., both the very young and very old can also be guilty of it).
Grow a spine, ladies, assert yourselves, and be clearly verbal about what you want or need, instead of operating from a framework of jealousy and cruelty. Maybe at times the bad tactics net you what you’re after but they also make you look stupid, vapid, vicious, narcissistic, and self-serving in the process.
DUH
#5, from what I remember of those in Jr High and High School who made me the target of their sisterly aggression, they do NOT suffer from anything like a “fragile sense of self”. Quite the contrary, the suffer from a vastly inflated sense of self which leads them to feel that there is not enough room or breathing air for both themselves and the unfortunate other.
Jersey Girl, I would add that I think there is an estrogen trigger. Little girls turn nasty when they enter middle school, about the same time physical changes are just beginning.
I have often observed that girls growing up with a father who loves them and is involved in their lives are less likely to go compulsively seeking male attention outside the home. Fathers, those girls really need you in those years. Get to those concerts and sport events, and help with the homework, and talk to them at dinner. (And, if necessary, scare off the negative boyfriends. She’ll thank you later.)
K., estrogen might not necessarily help it, but I’ve seen girls do that sort of thing when even younger than middle school age.
And two of the most vicious women in my former parish are 70, past the time when estrogen influences the system.
I fully agree with the positive influence the fathers can have. Dads, step up.
Oh yeah, JG, old habits die hard. I’ve seen women like that, and like you, at a former parish. It certainly proves that churches are filled with sinners.
What, only two posts for the claws to unnecessarily come out?
Hence the reason I’d much rather hang out with men.
🙂
Jersey Girl, I meant, like you, I’d seen some nasty older women at a former parish. Did I say that wrong? Ooops. My bad.
Actually, I do like hanging out with men. They are more straightforward.