The truth is that fewer young couples are choosing traditional church weddings. An increasing number of couples choose a small civil ceremony, or a Christian ceremony offsite, or no wedding at all. Many establish a household and a life together without any official civil or religious sanction. These changes in relationships and in commitment decisions feed a growing apprehension that young people are divorcing themselves from the church. If couples are not choosing typical church weddings, doesn’t that indicate the marginalization of the church in these people’s lives and, by extension, in society at large? And so congregations like Matthew’s ask anxiously: Why wouldn’t a pastor unquestioningly embrace a couple asking to be married? Why would a pastor pass up a chance to draw a young couple into the church?
But perhaps that’s the wrong question. Perhaps the question we should be asking is, What does it mean for a couple to get married in the church? One of my seminary professors once recited the nursery rhyme: “Here is the church, and here is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people.” Then he added, “Of course, it’s only when you open the doors that you see the church. The church is the community.” Viewed in that light, Matthew did not deny the engaged couple a church wedding but instead offered them one.
What about requiring a civil marriage for everyone? A church wedding would be optional. The civil marriage could change with the times and be subject to cultural trends. This might lessen the pressure in churches to provide a wedding for all.
This article only scratches the surface of a complex topic. For much too long, many churches have acted as marriage factories, with far too little help being extended to engaged couples. Marriage Savers, a marvelous ecumenical (and evangelical) marriage ministry founded by Mike and Harriet McManus, has done a lot to remedy the situation. Especially by promoting the creation of local agreements among the pastors of a locality in terms of a “Community Marriage Policy,” a joint set of standards on marriage preparation, enrichment, and support, and by fostering the development of “mentor couples” in many congregations. Both strategies have proven highly effectivein strengthening marriages.
Personally, I refuse to marry couples who won’t agree to serious marital preparation, including taking and discussing a standard premarital inventory like PREPARE/ENRICH or FOCCUS.
But the real elephant in the living room that gets neglected in this article is the issue of co-habitation. Since most couples now live together prior to marriage, this is a huge issue. I always challenge engaged couples to commit to abstinence before marriage. It’s sometimes a hard sell, given our extremely permissive culture, but I’ve had couples thank me profusely for helping them in that delicate area.
We desperately need to restore healthy boundaries between Christians and non-Christians in our increasingly de-Christianized, pluralistic, and even neo-pagan society. We desperately need to re-conceptualize pastoral ministry, so that pastors ar seen not as chaplains to the community at large, as if the hordes of unchurched folks are just lapsed Christians who with the right treatment will return to the fold. No, instead, we must recover our identity as missionaries to hordes of unconverted non-Christians.
David Handy+